Chaplaincy: A Johnny Reflection

I gifted this piece to my colleagues on Thursday, September 18th, 2025.  I wrote it on Wednesday, September 17th, one day after my ex husband and best friend, John Sylvester passed away.

First and foremost, I want to thank all of you for your outpouring of love and support on Tuesday.  It meant the world to me.

Years ago, after the death of one of my beloved pets, my Director, Christine Davies, gifted me a sign which reads Home Sweet Office, a sign which I have displayed behind my desk.  The Spiritual Care office is truly Home Sweet Office to me, and I'm looking forward to coming back home to all of you.

As fine is not a feeling, I just want all of you to know that I am ok.  

Although we were divorced, Johnny was one of my dearest and best friends, and I was blessed to have him in my life.

All of us understand death, grief, and loss intimately well, as I do from my nine months as a Chaplain intern.  

But, just as a doctor can't be a doctor to his or her own family, yesterday I couldn't be a Chaplain to myself.  

I really needed a Chaplain and wanted a Chaplain, and I was blessed to have not one but two: Ann and Tiina, whom some of you know.   

Both Ann and Tiina are retired, but when I called them and asked them to please come out of retirement just for me, they were happy and gracious to oblige.

It's hard to put death into perspective.  I've thought about Johnny's death quite a bit, and this is my perspective on his passing:

Johnny was extremely close to his mother, Sophie, who passed in 2020.  Not only was Johnny present when Sophie passed, but he was holding her hand and looking into her blue eyes as she took her last breath. Johnny was never able to come to peace with or cope with his traumatic loss.

In the years since Sophie's passing, Johnny's health was stable until the past two weeks, when he developed thrombosis.  As a result, he was put on many medications and was scheduled for a battery of tests, all of which he was NOT HAPPY about, and complained to me endlessly about it.

I was not present at the moment of Johnny's death; I am retelling what was told to me by his brother Frankie.  In short, Johnny fell in the living room of his home, and when Frankie felt for a pulse, Johnny had none.  Johnny died of a major Cardiac Arrest.

My Uncle and I spoke later in the morning.  My uncle just happened to be Johnny's cardiologist.  We both agreed that a blood clot traveled to his heart, which caused Johnny's cardiac event.

I am a person of great faith who has a strong belief in God.  Though we may not always understand the ways in which God works, I truly believe that our God is a merciful God.

We, in Chaplaincy, are comfortable speaking about death.

I have always said that if one has to pass, the best way to go is to go into Cardiac Arrest, where you are gone within mere seconds.  To me, this is a blessed death. 

To me, Johnny had a blessed death.

I am a firm believer in Heaven, and that our departed loved ones are watching over us from above.  

I believe Johnny's dear mother Sophie was watching over him from above and saw his suffering, and heard his loud complaints.  I believe Sophie asked God to bring Johnny home to her, so God brought Johnny home to be with his dear mother.

I want to conclude by once again thanking all of you for your love and support of me during a very dark day, one of the darkest days of my life.

Per his wishes, Johnny will be cremated and buried with his mother, exactly where he wanted to be.

I thank all of you for taking the time to read my words and sentiments.

I am so happy to be able to see everyone this morning.  God bless.

It feels good to be home.